Till Death Do Us Part

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yuki_tenshi
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Till Death Do Us Part

Post by yuki_tenshi » March 12th, 2009, 2:13 pm

Title: Till Death Do Us Part
Summary: When you said "Till Death Do Us Part" and I believed...I hadn't realized I was waiting for the wrong death.
Note: Hellooo...this is my first time posting a story here. This is a one-shot, so no next chapters or so. It's my first ever original that actually got finished, probably coz it's short and a one-shot. :gg: I hope you like it!

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I knew something was wrong when I opened the door.

I felt it deep in my bones.

I quietly entered and closed the front door.

We were done.

The ring on my fourth finger felt heavy, it was pulling my hand down. It stung.

I walked slowly to the bedroom, knowing what was coming but I wanted to make sure and I wanted to hope that I was wrong. That what I was feeling was nothing.

But it wasn’t.

You were gone.

I stopped at the wooden table that we usually kept near the bedroom door for our mail. Only one thing lay on top of it.

A solitary brown envelop, large enough to fit a few pages of short bond papers. I cautiously picked it up and opened the flap. I pulled out the first papers I held. One word glared at me, it was enough and I stuffed them roughly back inside, haphazardly separating it from myself. I felt something crack.

My hand clutched the doorknob tighter as I stared at our bedroom. It lacked something. My gaze traveled around the room, stopping at the empty bed and the empty drawer left open. I blinked when I felt a burning sensation behind my eyes.

Another crack.

I entered our bedroom, running my fingers lightly across the bed, the tops of the bedside tables and the wall while I made my way towards the closet. I looked inside; half its previous contents were missing.

Crack.


I continued to the bathroom door, opened it and peered inside. It was dark. I reached for the flip on the wall and turned the lights on. It flickered before lighting the whole bathroom. The white tiles and walls gleamed back as light reached them.

I saw my toothbrush on the cup by the sink; it looked so alone by itself. The pink towel you bought for our first marriage anniversary was missing its blue counterpart.

Crack.

I went to the sink and opened the medicine cabinet above it. Your shaving cream, shaver and little tablets were gone.

Crack.

I rushed out to the bed, palms pressed to your side. It was cold, like you never slept here.

Crack.

I reached to little table beside the bed, my hand landing on the picture frame. It was facing down like you didn’t want to see us together anymore.

Crack.

I choked back a sob, it lodged in my throat making it difficult to breathe.

Crack.

I leaned down on your pillow, face buried into it. And I could catch it, just a hint but it was there and I could smell it. Your scent was still on the pillow. I inhaled it deeply.

I felt something cold when I slipped my hand under the pillow. I pulled away and moved the pillow.

Crack. Crack. Crack.


The almost identical ring on my finger stared mockingly at me; the two-toned wedding ring standing out against the white bedspread.

Whatever was cracking shattered. I covered the ring with my hand. My husband’s ring.

Ex-husband, something reminded me. He’s divorcing you.

I inhaled sharply.

I stood up and went to my side of the bed, to my side table. I opened the bottom drawer and ruffled through the contents. At the very back I found what I was looking for. It was a velvet box, dark indigo in color. The inside was red silk lined with gold. I placed it on top of the table. I took off my ring and placed it on the silk, its pair—my husband’s ring—placed slightly on top of it. I examined it a foot away.

It was the same way we first saw our wedding rings.

I sat on the bed—box in my hand— dazed, tears trickling down my face quietly. I wasn’t sobbing but my eyes leaked continuously as memories of us whizzed passed, like I was watching some movie.

One memory ingrained itself.

It was after the wedding, just right after the priest said that you could kiss the bride. We were still at the altar, everyone still cheering for our union.

“Only death can separate us, love.” You had softly whispered in my ear. And I still remembered how wonderful I felt that time. We were going to be together until we were old and gray. But I was being silly. You hadn’t specified it. You only said that death was the only thing to separate us. I was thinking of the wrong kind of death.

“…Until death do us part.” I whispered sadly, I tasted the salty tears that made its way to my mouth.

And death happened.

Your love for me died.

“Until death do us part…”… “Only death can separate us, love.”

It echoed loudly in my head, mocking me.

Death parted us.

I closed the velvet box. Somehow that proved our severed bonds more than the divorce papers you left for me.
------------------

There we go! Any comments?
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Zeratul2k
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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by Zeratul2k » March 12th, 2009, 2:41 pm

Wow girl! That's awesome! :thumb:
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph... because good is DUMB!

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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by oldwrench » March 12th, 2009, 8:13 pm

Didn't notice there were two threads of this, Sakura might delete one so I'll copy my comment here.

Comment.......... ummm....... wow, that was really good, very emotional. It's often hard to say something very powerful in such a short story, but this one says a lot........... Um, you're to young to be divorced? aren't you??? This really feels like you've been there.

I like your stories Yuki, keep it up.
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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by agito_0291 » March 12th, 2009, 9:28 pm

I'll post my response in this thread since it has the most comments in it so far (and I think the other one is the exact thing, correct me if I'm wrong). I love the emotion that you have in this scene. It's raw and in the way that you wrote it (the short fragments of sentences instead of long flowing words) it really connects to the reader. If I could say one thing to work on if you ever go back to edit it I'd say you should add in more description. One instance really stood out for me. When you character puts her head down on her ex's pillow you should say more than scent. What does it smell like? What memory of him does it remind her the most of? Try to put more into your writing (although I'm one to talk, it's the hardest thing for me to do). Regardless, keep it up! I really enjoyed reading this!

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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by oldwrench » March 12th, 2009, 10:28 pm

I disagree with you on this one Agito. Adding more description to the pillow scene would only have bogged the story down. This was concise and to the point, let the readers imagination work with it. I can tell you exactly what she meant, perhaps you have trouble with it, because you haven't experienced this. In a good short work, to much description is detrimental. It only serves to make the work longer, not better.
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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by Elvin » March 13th, 2009, 1:38 am

it's boo-tee-full D:

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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by agito_0291 » March 13th, 2009, 5:37 am

oldwrench wrote:I disagree with you on this one Agito. Adding more description to the pillow scene would only have bogged the story down. This was concise and to the point, let the readers imagination work with it. I can tell you exactly what she meant, perhaps you have trouble with it, because you haven't experienced this. In a good short work, to much description is detrimental. It only serves to make the work longer, not better.
I don't think that she should add a lot of description I loved how concise it was. I think that she just needs a little bit. In the pillow paragraph that I mentioned I think only one or two words are necessary to bring it together.
For example lets say he smells earthy:
example wrote:I leaned down on your pillow, face buried into it. And I could catch it, just a hint but it was there and I could smell it. Your earthy scent was still on the pillow. I inhaled it deeply.

By bringing in the word earth we get all things associated with the word. The ground, mud, brown, dirt. Now we think that the ex is a person to be associated with the earth. Maybe he worked outside a lot so that this earthy smell stayed with him, or maybe it means that he liked to work out.It could also show to us that the ex was a grounded person. Maybe that's why he left our Point of View character, maybe she was too floaty and carefree for him. It's just one word but it adds a lot of detail about the person.

If I had a hard time understanding it because I haven't experienced it then it adds to my point. As a writer you shouldn't only appeal to people who have experienced what you're writing about. If someone hasn't experienced that certain feeling then it is up to the writer to describe it perfectly so that it can be felt with or without the experience behind it. I think that yuki did a good job of this but needs to add a bit more to make it stand out.

Oldwrench, I would also like to apologize for being so outspoken. I just have very strong opinion when it comes to writing because it's something that I love to do. It doesn't mean that your wrong and I'm right, or you're right and I'm wrong. No matter how much I disagree with you opinion I still respect it. That's the best thing about receiving feedback from your peers, you get people's honest opinion and more times than not, they have a difference in thought.

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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by yuki_tenshi » March 13th, 2009, 11:54 am

@ Zera: Thank you!~

@oldwrench: Thanks very much! And yea, I'm too young to be divorced, let alone be married...but since my parents were divorced I have an inkling of how the separation feels.

@ agito: I accidentally clicked on the submit button instead of preview and I hadn't realized that it got posted...I hope Sakura can delete the other one. Thanks for the constructive criticism, and I guess I do sometimes have a problem with details, since it's either I overdo it or it lacks something but then sometimes I get the right amount of description. Plus I really hadn't thought of more than her ex's scent that time *grins*...Thanks for reading!

@Elvin: Thank you!
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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by oldwrench » March 13th, 2009, 2:30 pm

I see your point, Agito, I guess I was thinking of extra sentences of description, which would be to much. Adding an extra word like you did would be a good thing. Glad you explained that. I'm not much of a writer so subtle things like that aren't very obvious to me. I do a lot of reading, but I'm not thinking very critically when I do, just enjoying the story. And Yuki's story has an overall excellent emotional feel to it.
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Re: Till Death Do Us Part

Post by Sakura » March 16th, 2009, 9:54 am

One of my tears is yours now
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