Acrhangel Girl

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JHawkNH
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by JHawkNH » February 10th, 2009, 4:25 pm

xXemobunnyXx wrote:Hm?? :pif:
Sakura loves bows and ribbons, so she is giving you extra credit for putting them in your drawing. :pat:

On another note you drawing is excellent. :thumb: I am amased by the level of artist that we have on this sight.

P.S. Do you mind if I attempt to color this?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

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xXemobunnyXx
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by xXemobunnyXx » February 10th, 2009, 7:45 pm

:love: Of course, please do color it!!!!
Little girls can love unconditionally....and they can hate unconditionally as well...

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agito_0291
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by agito_0291 » February 11th, 2009, 5:13 am

Wow, I really impressed. It's rare to see someone who can write and draw well. I will be stealing that pic. for my collection if you don't mind. And keep up the great work!

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xXemobunnyXx
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by xXemobunnyXx » February 12th, 2009, 8:25 pm

NEW!
READ>_<!

An hour or two later, Maria found herself in the hospital waiting room --- picking at her hands, watching the clock, wanting to sleep but unable to. One time, a female doctor walked up to her chair and, sticking her hands in the pocket of her white lab coat, bent down to eye level. "Maria Sanchez?" The doctor cocked her head to the side.

"Yes, 'M." Maria nodded calmly.

"Condsidering your, erm, nationality---" Maria jumped at this, "---We pulled up your records." The doctor bit her lower lip.

"And?" Maria swiftly interjected.

The female doctor sort of jumped back at this, as if a hamster had snarled at her. "And it seems some of your closest relations are here, um, illeagally."

"What do they have to do with me?" Maria hissed, on the verge of tears.

"They're close to you, yes? I want to know if you've helped them in any sort of, er, illeagal activity. And I also would like to know if you're sure this girl isn't involved." The doctor pulled on her blonde braid, awaiting an answer.

Maria explained to her how her cousins had, indeed, jumped the border, and that, yes, some of them were involved in criminal affairs. But then Maria also told her how she had nothing to do with them, and how the girl definatley had nothing to do with it at all. Post-explanation, the femme doctor simply pursed her lips, nooding, stood up, and walked away.

At about 11:40, they let Maria in to see the kid, who was wide awake at the time. Maria found it hard to even look at such a mangled kid, but she managed a soft smile and then sat down on the foot of the girl's bed. It wasn't even her own child, yet she felt a warm tug for her- a sort of devotion, if you will.

"How are you doing, sweetheart?" she asked.

The girl let out a planative sigh, glancing at Maria, then at the trio of doctors on standby. "Fine, I guess...."

Maria smiled a fake smile, taking note of the girl's bandaged arms and wrapped head, which looked like it was still bleeding. She played with the strap of her purse, nervous. What did they tell her? She thought. What if the kid thinks it's all my fault? Maria gulped.

The girl was staring intently at Maria now, with big, violet eyes, her mouth slowly lifting into a grin. "It's not your fault, Maria."

Maria jumped. How did she?

Then a tall male doctor came to the girl's side and lovingly began stroking her mousy brown hair. He grinned, glancing at the kid's many monitors. "I think you'll need a few weeks of rest. By that time, your parents should show up. Don't wanna send you to the orphanage." He laughed at this.

The girl was still staring at Maria, which made her beyond nervous. What was her deal? Creeped out, Maria looked away..

"Don't be afraid, Maria," the girl said. Maria didn't turn to see if she was still staring. She didn't want to. "Your cousins won't get in trouble."

Before anyone could even start to react to this, the phone by the kid's hospital bed rang. The tall doctor jumped to grab it, clumsily raising the phone to his ear. "Yes?....Her parents?...Really?...Well, I don't think so...ok...Of course, send them up." The doctor hung up the phone and turned to face the room. "Her parents are her to get her."
Little girls can love unconditionally....and they can hate unconditionally as well...

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Dinky
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by Dinky » February 13th, 2009, 3:23 pm

Oh no! OH NO! That's not good! What's Maria going to do?? What's going to happen? Those 'parents' are a load of crap!
Okay, so the girl's a mind reader, right? I mean, it seems fairly obvious, but...
Please post more soon. I continue to like your descriptions and your characters. Good work!
.....sometimes you have to lose your mind to find it......

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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by xXemobunnyXx » February 13th, 2009, 7:56 pm

"What?" Maria breathed.

"Yeah, they said they've been looking all over for her. The intern said they sounded really worried...Could you stay with the kid?" He said. "They need to have the news broken to them, and that means we doctors have to go do it."

Maria nodded stupidly. She glanced at the kid, who appeared to have suddenly gone totally stiff, with her eyes closed. The doctors left the room. Maria leaned closer to the girl. "What's wrong with you?"

The girl slowly opened her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Whoever those people are, they aren't my parents."

"They aren't..." the girl started to cry then, and Maria leaned in closer, placing a hand on her forehead. "They aren't my parents, I know it...I lied to those doctors becuase I was scared...they could be one of them..they could be working for them...and now they've come to take me back..." The girl bawled then, uncontrollably.

"What are you talking about?"

"They aren't my parents...I don't trust the doctors. But I trust you because you...saved me. Please don't let them take me, Maria, please..." the girl grabbed Maria's arms.

"What's the matter? Honey, you aren't making any sense..." Maria tried to wrench out of the girl's grasp, but she was incredibly strong. "Sweetie?"

The girl stared intently at Maria, unblinking. "Please, I beg you....don't let them take me...I'll do anything you want, just don't let them take me." The girl buried her face in Maria's jacket, breathing heavily. Breathing like she was scared. "Please...I've never had any real parents, so whatever they tell you is a lie..."

"Sweatheart, why would somebody lie about being your parents?"

At that moment the door opened, leaving the girl without a chance to reply. The three doctors calmly strode in, followed by a lovely young couple. The woman had long, almost white blonde hair and green eyes. She wore a black sweater and black pants; off her neck hung a silver cross on a necklace...only the cross was upside down. What was it supposed to symbolize? The man wore almost exactly the same thing, except he wore a tan vest over the sweater. He had dirty brown hair and glasses...and he wore the same necklace.

Maria, still trying to calm down, chanced a look at the girl, who had since let go of her arms. The girl was rigid, staring at the couple, her parents, like they were the hounds of hell. She was gripping the sheets of her bed tightly, hardly breathing. The couple started to walk twoards her, and the girl sucked in her breath and sharply turn her head away.

The woman was the first to make it to the girl's bedside, as the man was lagging behind, looking distracted. The woman leaned over the girl, her smile dripping with sugar. "Kayley, darling," she spoke in a heavy french accent, " whatever is the matter? What in the world happened to you?" The woman pursed her lips then, as if she had tasted something sour.

The girl named Kayley had her eyes closed, and wasn't anwsering. She wouldn't even look at the woman who was supposed to be her mother. The man came to her bedside then, and, leaning over her, softly growled something that only Kayley was meant to hear. He stood upright. "What's wrong with her? She won't talk. She always talked. She used to be so happy--- I swear when we find the bastard that---"

The woman cut him off with a meaningful glance. She slowly shook her head at the room. "He's really upset. We both are." She softly grinned, trying to look sweet. "We just wanna get her home with us."

"We'll have to keep her here for a few d---"

The blonde woman cut the doctor off. "No. We want to take her home now." She sucked in her breath. "I never want to be apart from Kayley again."

The tall doctor pressed his fingers together, glaring at them. "We can't allow that, ma'am."

"And why not?" the 'father' barked.

The tall doctor jumped back. "Well, a-as, y-you can see, she needs t-time to heal."

The 'father' took the 'mother' into his arms and softly cried into her black sweater. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "We've just been so worried about her, and now, seeing her like this..." he let out his breath, then went into a crying jag.

"Yes," the mother interjected in her french tone, "We thought that maybe she had been kidnapped, or worse..." As she said this, her gaze lingered on Maria accusingly. Then the mother tucked her head into her husband's and cried like she meant it.

Noticing how she had stared at Maria, the tall doctor added: "This is Maria Sanchez. She found Kayley and brought her here. If it wasn't for her---"

The mother slowly raised her head to look at Maria, tears rolling down her cheeks. For a moment, she looked at Maria with pure anger, but then she suddenly brightened, smiling warmly.

Maria offered her hand to the couple politely, turning her head to the side. "I'm Maria Sanchez. You?"

The woman was the first to make a move twoards Maria. The second they shook hands, Maria felt an unbeliveable coldness, as if the woman were made of liquid nitrogen. The cold traveled through her veins, and it hurt so much that Maria sharply pulled her hand back. "My name is Seredana. Nice to meet you," the woman said. "---Is something wrong?" Seredana grinned maliciously.

"You're so---cold," Maria breathed.
Little girls can love unconditionally....and they can hate unconditionally as well...

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agito_0291
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by agito_0291 » February 14th, 2009, 6:17 am

You continue to impress me Bunny! There is clearly a driving force (which normally is absent in beginner work) that keeps me reading. There are a couple things that I would like to suggest to you if you would like some constructive criticism.
It is hard sometimes to recognize who is the "view point character." Throughout most of the story Maria fills this but there are some points in the third part where it is a little hazy.
If Maria is the "View Point Character" I think it would greatly enhance the story if we got more of her reaction to the events that are unfolding around her. How does she react to the "family"? We do get some of her thoughts but I think you can put a lot more in there to get us closer to Maria.

I hope I didn't offend you by doing that just now, I just think that fellow writers need to always help each other improve. You're doing great, can't wait for more! :thumb:

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xXemobunnyXx
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by xXemobunnyXx » February 17th, 2009, 3:13 pm

Ah, wowza thank you for the advice!!! :love: :thumb: To tell you the truth, im ominescent, I jump around from Kayley to Maria to the Vauln Society to Zika and all kinds of thangs hehe :3
Little girls can love unconditionally....and they can hate unconditionally as well...

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Dinky
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by Dinky » February 17th, 2009, 6:38 pm

Another good chapter.
I do agree, however, that whoever's viewpoint you're in at the moment needs to give us some more background thoughts, reactions, etc. You can still jump around to different characters, but it will help to give it an added depth and connection to your readers.
Keep it up!
.....sometimes you have to lose your mind to find it......

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xXemobunnyXx
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Re: Acrhangel Girl

Post by xXemobunnyXx » February 18th, 2009, 7:23 pm

Thank u, u r right!!! :shy: :shy: :shy:
Little girls can love unconditionally....and they can hate unconditionally as well...

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